Deal With The Devil
Written February 1, 2021
Deal With The Devil
Today I woke up reliving an experience on the playground with my first born about 14 years ago. It wasn’t a pleasant memory but it was filled with love, growth and compassion, loads.
That sunny Santa Barbara day where it was 70° at the beach playground three 6 year olds were running around on the play structure. My first born is social, he was thrilled other children were there that day. He raced up to them and wanted to play, co-create a game all of them could do together, his imagination was in full force, his ideas bursting at the seams.
Shortly thereafter, I saw him walk slowly toward me, sullen and each step held hesitation. As his eyes met mine they were wet, sad and seeking solace. I asked him what I try to always ask my kids when I see them not aligned, “Would you like a hug, honey?” He began nodding before my sentence was complete as he trusted this sentence to the full extent, he could depend on it. He confessed, “They didn’t want to play with me.” I was sitting on the bench facing the ocean. The only thing between me and the ocean was the playground structure and the three 6 year olds running up, over, around and through it laughing and playing. My first born crawled up and onto my lap. His head buried in my chest and my arms wrapped around him. The kind of embrace we all desire, tender, loving but with a firmness where you feel safe and held as you are.
If I could have, I would have made a deal with the devil that day. I’d take more erratic bloods sugars, more disrupted nights of sleep due to raising little ones, more pain in anyway if somehow he could be protected. I’d sell my soul to keep pain away from him.
In my life, up to that moment, I was aware the people I held close to my heart were on their own journey. I’d expended many resources emotionally, financially, physically, and spiritually trying to help family who didn’t want to help themselves. It’s the greatest gift my family has taught me, unconditional love. Love whether in good times or hard times, you remain. You meet them where they are, any more and it’s your agenda not theirs. Any less and you do not truly see them.
Yet as a Mama, watching my child experience pain of that kind, the world serving him up a dose of contrast and discord, it was next level.
Making a deal with the devil wouldn’t have accomplished what I want for myself nor my kids nor anyone I care about. Yet in the moment my experience felt like too much for me, I desired to feel less.
This morning I welcomed those feelings, all of them, fully. I appreciate being where I am.
I now see that holding space for him that day was the most loving thing I could have done. Perhaps that experience put him on a path of challenge in peer relationships, perhaps it was a lack of acceptance in kindergarten, 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd grade... you get my point. Whatever the origin, it is his journey, not mine. My role is to be there, arms open always.
Looking back to that day, one word easily encompasses the emotion. It’s the place I optimize for with my health coaching clients. It’s the place I optimize for with my children. It’s the place I optimize for with myself. Support and guidance offered to give freedom to ACCEPTANCE of who you are, exactly where you are, to align fully with what you desire, setting yourself up for inspired action in your life for what you want.
Selling one’s soul for a diabolical favor has its moments of temptation, ready to thwart our authentic desire in life.
Disclosure: I do not engage regularly in any one religion. My personal beliefs are held deeply in a spiritual practice which gains momentum daily. My reference to making a deal with the devil was metaphorical, offered up as a platform to bring the reader into my experience, that is all.
#betweendiabetes #healthcoaching #wellness #inspiredaction