Flow

Written February 10, 2021

Flow

Time doesn’t exist.

Seconds become hours.

Hours become seconds.

Boom, boom boom, tasks delete like the Tetris line.

Dissolved.

Inhale.

I feel good.

Thoughts settle where I desire.

Flow gains momentum.

I question why stagnation exists, as I sense none at the moment.

All good things must come to an end.

Triggers become erect.

Same one, aaagggaaiinn.

Coincidence?

Nice try. Not a chance.

The ones left, the triggers, they run deep, like the Grand Canyon, the narrow sections where sun is seldom.

My attempt to fly higher is coy.

I’m reminded, my desires are long-term, insta-matic no longer serves who I am.

Destination: canyon.

Exhale.

Old patterns raise their hand like a classroom full of 1st graders on show-and-tell day. They are eager to take the stage.

Projection is entirely way too enticing.

It always sits in the front row, at the center.

Fuck.

I’m aware the only whole way ahead is to feel, not gonna be comfy.

My old patterns are wiggling in their seats, brimming to distract.

Me, me, me, me.

I’m sooooooo tempted, just a taste?

I reach into my bag of trusted tools...

I’m quick, I’ve had practice - a lot.

What has demonstrated a pattern to serve who I am?

Nature, maté, blanket, sunset, go...

Early evening rendezvous in the coastal hills, me and my inner child.

The discord doesn’t take away from the flow I had earlier.

I find a slice of appreciation for that.

Knowing is released, let go.

At this point, my thoughts, they become the obstacle.

Faith drapes over me like a warm blanket with just enough weight to remind me, I’m safe, I’m here.

Exhale.

I’m angry, I know it’s covering the raw I desire, really not really, to sit with.

Patience, it will come, the discomfort.

Exhale.

Once the monsters reveal I recall all the times we have met before.

They beg, entice, coax, attempt to manipulate me to fight, defend, judge. They thrive on angry. They want me to play victim.

Exhale.

Faith, trust, discern, surrender.

In an instant the monsters appear as beings in need of nurturing.

They were scary, until they weren’t. Their eyes seek mine for compassion, acceptance and guidance.

I give.

I know I’m loved.

I know my support system is unwavering, open arms, there when I need them - always.

I’m aware the love, the support, none of it exists unless I provide the framework.

Time after time I have attempted to give others consent to hold me up.

My awareness sees right through it, the transparency, or perhaps the illusion.

Who I desire to be, feel and stand for requires the journey ahead .

I feel.

Good things don’t need to come to an end.

Sunset is seen, felt, absorbed.

It fades.

I remain.

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