Forty Eight Years ALIVE
Written January 12, 2021
Forty eight years ALIVE today.
Me.
In high school, as spring was just looking ahead at summer, nightly I’d grab the comforter off my bed, a pillow and head for the back porch. I’d fold the comforter in half and climb in making sure there was plenty to go over my head to stay warm. Most nights until fall I’d sleep out there, even in the rain. Those perhaps were my favorite nights. Though the stars weren’t visible, the sound of the rain on the trees, hitting the ground, definitely my kind of lullaby.
As I laid perfectly toasty this morning in my zero degree sleeping bag, snow dusted on the Sierras, teen temperatures providing crisp clean inhales, my birthday texts began to ding and I reflected on my life, who I am and the numerous identities I’ve carried.
As a young child I wore leg braces and most adults looked at me with pity. As a sophomore in high school I ran on the state winning cross country team and scored.
As I entered school, I lived in a 5 floor home designed by my father, annoying my 3 older siblings daily and always protecting my little sis - a full family of seven contributing to the love of the home. In junior high my Dad, younger sis and I lived in a duplex, buying silverware from the thrift store, a single Dad figuring it out.
I started high school as an aspiring athlete, sought by colleges across the country after our state win. As a senior, I didn’t even run track, as diabetes took the stage.
There was college, dating, expeditions, living abroad, starting careers and leaving some. Marriage even happened, until it didn’t.
When I was diagnosed at 17 with diabetes I was told I’d never have kids. Today I am a fierce-loving mother to two teens who consume all my heart.
Toss a global pandemic on top of a contentious divorce and you have two choices: grow or hide like a mother-fucker. Not the easy path, but I choose growth.
Today I will celebrate who I am, the obvious patterns of what aligns me to the core. The identities and my stories will continue to shift and the clarity those provide are a reminder of what has always been, me.
I write my words as almost a challenge to each of you.
What is your wild?
Who are you when circumstances are removed?
I have found that is not as easy to feel as it should be.
My perspective embraces tears and I feel so fortunate to sip my tea and feel the wetness of joy stream down my face.
Thank you for the love today and if I could, I’d line you all up for a hug!